What do you do when you can no longer deny that you don’t know what you’re doing with your life? What do you do when you can no longer bury the feeling that a hole is starting burn in your heart if you keep spending it alone?
Know that feeling? Carrying that burden? It’s so scary to put those words down, to at 32 years of age and announce you are lost. BUT it’s time. Not knowing and loving who you are impacts your openness to love and for others to love you. Life can’t continue this way.
Technically happy, I was and am surrounded by the best family and friends and I generally do fun things and travel etc BUT … when I realised I was using the word ‘technical’ to express a feeling of euphoria I knew something wasn’t quite right.
That was me six months ago.
Knowing you are spiralling into an emotional tornado and pulling yourself out of it is fucking hard. And from my experience, unfortunetly whatever hole you are in and how you got yourself there is your journey, and only you can get yourself out. Six months ago, I knew I needed to change but I just didn’t know how. I went on a research binge and was looking up other people’s stories, how did they have their “ah ha” moment for how they started to make a change in their lives? What was my light bulb moment going to be and when in the fuck was it going to happen already!? Reading memes about change didn’t work, watching romantic comedies wasn’t motivating me to get out there and find love and neither was following “inspirational” people on Instagram. If anything, those options made me feel more isolated and hopeless.
I was paralysing myself with indecision and overanalysis.
My moment of clarity came from my usual habit of overthinking. “I don’t like what I do in my job, I’m not moving forward, I need to grow my confidence, I need to meet someone….” Let’s face it, it was a bit of a pity party and self deprecating rave. You could say I was starting to hear the beat of music but actually that was a pounding in my chest. It always started low and steady, then grew like a song setting you up to smash into a chorus. But for me, the only climax was a protruding beating of my heart that had me losing my breath and had my thoughts jumping to my throat but not escaping. My stomach would churn with fear, sadness and a feeling of being very, very lost. As the pounding was starting to become unbearable, everything just became clear. Everything that I was doing at that point in time, I was going to have to do completely differently. I’m talking my body, my friends, my beliefs, my values, my career aspirations, my knowledge, my achievements, my living situation, my heart ….. it all needed to change. Absolutely scary. Terrifyingly uncomfortable. Not impossible. It starts with one decision.
I resigned from my job the following week.
The biggest thing in my life was my job. I worked for a great company for a great purpose but I started to not like associating myself as a marketer, it was not my passion and I was starting to think it never was. I felt it was the biggest block to my current identify because if I didn’t value being a marketer anymore, who and what was underneath my skin? It was a small team and the opportunity to expand into a different part of the business locally or globally wasn’t an option. My access to a different and bigger network was not going to change if I stayed either. I didn’t have a new job to go to and since I knew I needed to take action, hanging around until I found one didn’t feel like a good idea (a responsible one perhaps but not the right idea for me). It was nearing the end of the year and when I thought about how I wanted to start 2017 it wasn’t going to be in that job. I had to leave and shake things up if I was going to give myself the opportunity to find those interests and passions and redefine who I was.
If you’re stuck, you have to surrender and commit to change
After resigning, I felt liberated. People told me I was brave for stepping into the unknown. They said it took courage to make a change like that, many said they couldn’t do it. For me, this felt like the easy part. Staying unhappy in a life that wasn’t working seemed 1000 times worse than the fear and excitement of the unknown. Once that first action was taken, I surrendered. I gave myself up to let go of all the baggage I was holding, decisions not made in the past, questions, thoughts, feelings I had never shared with other people. I stopped resisting with shoulda, woulda, coulda’s and committed to change. I’ve made it sound simple but that surrender and commitment was also through a moment of clarity. I can’t even remember what I was doing but I remember thinking to myself, things can NOT stay the same. You cannot expect a different result doing the same thing. When the risk of not changing is so great, I think its easier to pushing yourself towards committing to change.
Hello from the other side…
I’m deep in life redesign and I find it amazing how far I have come and what I have learnt so far in such a short time. I’m starting to put this journey in print because as I start to try new things and talk to more people, I am realising that many others are on a similar journey. They are questioning some of the same things I have and am, and trying to figure out how to just get started on changing their life for the better. I am definitively not saying I have it all figured out but what was holding me back what inaction. The fear of the unknown can be paralysing but once one decision is made and an action is taken, the journey of change has begun. I put this blog out for me, for everyone or for no one as I figure out what I am searching for and work to find it.
What’s going on in your life and is it time to make a bold change?